I feel like I have to break back into my life. I built these glass walls, slowly over time. I still wanted to see my heart, my foundation, but I wanted to be separated from it. Now, I’m on the outside.
I have to shatter this glass to get back to my foundation. Back to the foundation of who I am, who I was. The foundation wont be the same, it aged as I did, hurt as I hurt.
It needs healing too, to create new.
I don’t want to go back to who I was, I strongly believe we really shouldn’t. Maybe adopt some of the ideas and values I had, but not the same person…no.
But that’s the only foundation I have. So I have to fix that one. I have to rebuild that one. I can’t go find another place to build, we only have one building spot.
I’m just so far away. And there is so much glass to get through.
But I’m not building anymore walls. That’s my step forward, to quit building these damn walls.
Now I can face them.
Sometimes I feel like I’m using a sledgehammer to break through the fuckers. Screaming and crying while I slam all my strength into breaking them down.
Other times I’m using a tiny pick, while Im sobbing and laying on the ground.
It’s progress. I’m not building anymore, and they will come down. Definitely not tonight, for sure not this month. But soon I will get back to that place where my heart is, the foundation of who I am. I will get to that place again. I will apologize for abandoning it, for building walls around it where I could look but not touch. Placing separation between me and my true soul. I will mourn that pain and that loss of trust.
Then slowly, I will place new bricks. I will fill old holes. New information, God, good hearts, and healers will help me restructure my foundation. My perseverance and will will keep it strong.