Do you ever feel like you have to break back into your life?
Maybe you built glass walls, slowly over time. You still wanted to see your heart, your foundation, but you wanted to be separated from it. Now, you’re on the outside.
You have to shatter this glass to get back to your foundation. Back to the foundation of who you are. The foundation wont be the same, it aged as you did, hurt as you hurt.
It needs healing too, to create new.
In the face of change, forced one not…I don’t want to go back to who I was, I strongly believe we really shouldn’t. Maybe adopt some of the ideas and values I had, but not the same person…no.
But that’s the only foundation I have. So I have to fix that one. I have to rebuild that one. I can’t go find another place to build, we only have one building spot.
I know it feems like we are just so far away. And there is so much glass to get through.
But we can’t be building anymore walls. That’s the step forward, to quit building these damn walls.
Now we can face them.
Sometimes I feel like I’m using a sledgehammer to break through the fuckers. Screaming and crying while I slam all my strength into breaking them down.
Other times I’m using a tiny pick, while Im sobbing and laying on the ground.
Still, it’s progress.
I’m not building anymore, and they will come down. Definitely not tonight, for sure not this month.
But soon I will get back to that place where my heart is, the foundation of who I am. I will get to that place again.
I will apologize for abandoning it, for building walls around it where I could look but not touch. Placing separation between me and my true soul. I will mourn that pain and that loss of trust.
Then slowly, I will place new bricks. I will fill old holes. New information, God, good hearts, and healers will help me restructure my foundation. My perseverance and will will keep it strong.